STEPHEN WRIGHT'S DEADPAN HUMOR
Courtesy of The Freeman Institute

"Dealing With People Who Drive You Crazy!"®

Here are some Stephen Wright quotes:

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

So, what's the speed of dark?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?